wow… that, was, my friend, true wisdom. Although some part of me wants to say; I DISAGREE, the other part is sad to realise I have always known, yet never said nor wanted to believe, that you are absolutely right.

I want to fight what you have said with evert fiber in my body, to prove you wrong and to say that you are caving in. This is the one thing that you would never have me admit, for it is the basis of everything I am. My belief that we are the ones that will make it, that in the end, we were always right, that all the things we have said and done would somehow be justified by our eventual success. I guess this is my life’s great card house, it have always been, and I’m afraid it will always be. I believe that few people can understand the craving for success that I posess, which is almost narcisistic. Our joke that I’m always right and don’t loose is truly a sad joke, for in reality it is’nt a joke, it’s a nescesity. I have to be right. I have to win. I have to make it. This is what drives me. I will never settle for second, yet I know I can never be first. I will never settle for compromise, yet perfect is impossible. Know it as I do, I should accept reality.

But you are not and I do not, for as you so gently put it, there are many more things to life than work. Years ago, we had what I have later realised was a defining moment of my life, a conversation about choices. As always, I boldly, but sadly, exclaimed my choice to the world. Inside, I was in chaos at the moment, fighting every attempt at pulling me back to earth, to puncture my bubble. Some time later, when the chaos erupted and a great many hours was spent contemplating this very conversation, I realised the trick was making sure I never have to make the choice – which is, obviously; just making a new bubble around myself instead of puncturing the old one. The choice will be made, and it will be the right one. What sacrifices I must make in addition will surely send me down the hill.

Your post put a knot in my stomach today, which means it’s more true than anything I’ve ever written. But I’m not ready to admit it yet. Not yet. And I’m also sure that you will be the ones to bring me down eventually, for you are the only people with the knowledge to do it.

I know we will reach the top. But before we do, we must know where the bottom is. First one down will be first one back up I guess. I just hope you’ll take me with you. I know you will. I would.

I guess.

Your words lately have made me sad, for you touch something in the core of what I believe we are. Yet at the same time I am happy, because you finally said what I have always known. Many posts ago, I made a list, now, I think it is time for a new one.

E, your potential is unlimited and your friends are endless, or so it would seem – just remember they are there
H, your talent is infinite, and I hope you understand this one day – as it would be a great shame if you never do
M, of all of us, I believe you are the one truly at peace with who you are – unless you are like me, and the bubble will burst one day?
G, you are the leading man my friend, the wisest and best I know – you I would trust with everything I have

The list grows shorter. The truth grows more painful.
Still, we are together somehow, comforting as it is to know.

Every day brings us closer to the defining moments of everything else. Great things will come, we just have to be there when they do.

the trutH can be Painful

We leave things behind all the time. Every second we leave something behind. And then we look back and we judge what we see. There are those moments when we feel that what we have done was not good. There are moments, when we cannot figure out, why and above all, how we managed to achieve what we did. It feels that all the energy and passion that is needed to go on has been lost in this last project. It feels empty, dry and cold. The sparkle in our eyes has died and and flame of passion is gone.

A while ago we chose to walk into this direction, our profession. We believed that this would be our path and our destiny. We believed we would at some point be great, we reached out for the stars and were very certain that amongst all the people that have the same goal, we would be the ones to easily reach whatever we were longing for. We discarded other people, we looked down on them. We were arrogant and stubborn, didn’t look left and right, ignored others that felt different and always believed in us to be better.

Well, we are not. We flew high and our expectations were even higher. And so we fell. Farther than we could handle. Realised that it is a fight. But not only a fight with the circumstances but more and above all a fight with ourselves. To get up everyday and be small is a challenge. And you have to take it on in order to grow. Challenge means that things are difficult. Unknown. Unexpected.

Currently I am sitting in Beijing. Was lighting designer on three jobs. All of them doable and easy. Well, none of them was. Suddenly responsible for the whole thing. At the other end of the world and no way you could get out. So I had to get through. There were moments when I felt like I wanna hide somewhere and wait till it is all over. You know, this has really been an easy job – before I got here. But what changed were the demands and expectations. Not mine, but the ones of everyone else. This was a corporate production where every detail was important. I could blame equipment, bad communication in advance and difficult communication here, different working attitude or lifestyle…

It would still be unfair. Yes, all of that happened, but it was me being unsure. Shortly before I came here I realised what I am up to in my new job. I am still doing the same stuff than before, but the projects are so much bigger, the responsibility suddenly much greater but the experience is not. I learnt that I know nothing. All I have done so far has been a lot of luck and no knowledge at all. I also built my own little house of cards over the past years. I was still arrogant and ignorant. And thought the world is mine.

You know, we always leave things behind. Basically we leave everything behind all the time. But something we always carry with us: Ourselves. Eyal, we are all only us. We wanted to believe we can be more, but that is not right. It has to be us that needs to become more. We have to grow and this changes us. In order to grow, we have to face it: There is so much we don’t know. There is so much more to be learnt along the way. And there is so much more to life than just a career.

Maybe it is because my passion for it all is also still buried. But I always said that and I always believed in it: There are other things than lighting, directing or basically work. It helps to step back and realise that there are so many things that enrich our lives every time. Think about it! Isn’t it great to know that there is someone who really loves us? Isn’t it a great thing that there are friends out there who make us happy? Isn’t it great that we have the chance to experience a new day? You see, it is simple…

Kathy was right when she suggested that we are too narrow minded. Too focused. We were the closed up group that nobody could get into. Sheena once said that. And we excluded people, because they chose a different way than we would have done. Maybe we disagree with how some people make their decisions, but hey, it is not up to us to judge that. People are different and that makes the variety of this world.

I know, I have done a huge round now, but coming back, I think it is important to realise what Eyal found out: Yes, we are only the person we are. But we are able to grow. And nothing says we can’t decide to grow into a different direction, have different blossoms over our lifetime. The passion might come back, but the important thing is, that if it doesn’t, it’s not bad either. There are other things to life. And looking at those things will help.

Maybe this all makes no sense at all. But I learnt so much here in China, just by talking to people from this country.

The person we are is growing. Still.

But all that you have inside you can come. Your thoughts, your dreams, hopes, despair, anger and love. All this can come with you. Should you choose to do so. If I should wish, I would hope you’ll take us with you. In your thoughts, if you remember, we are always there. Take with you the ones you love and care for. And they’ll be there too, on the other side. If you remember.

Find the perfect moment. Go through the impossible wall. Take us with you. And we will be there. Forever, as swaying trees in the wind, as shimmering stars on the evening sky, as the rising morning sun and the eternal everest, we will be there.

Take us with you and we will be there.

find tHe Perfect moment

These are the things that I needed to continue through not only The Memory of Water which was by far the most difficult production I have come across so far, but also for Stitching; a show that I thoroughly enjoyed working on and watching and is now showing at the Edinburgh fringe festival to good satisfied audiences.

I find myself these days not doing very much of anything, or I should say, not very much of many things. And yet I find myself doing a great many things, my brother and I am writing a piece of theatre intersected by music called “My Mother’s Gypsies” about what it is like to be the child of a parent with incurable cancer.

I am going over the last few months and working out why, when I was doing the exact things I wanted to do I was so unhappy.

I found that I have been overwhelmed, not only by the shows, and the work, not even by having to take care of my mother or by the fact that I didn’t have a free moment to myself in almost 5 months. I found myself overwhelmed by the expectations that I had setup for myself.

The expectations that this production would be perfect, that this production would boost my career to a whole new level, and would teach me more than anything I have ever done before. My expectations were too high. Even though the production happened, and it went up to some pretty good audiences, all of which enjoyed it thoroughly, even though it was offered a potential tour, even though the reviews were complimentary and I was offered other work from it. All of this happened and yet in my eyes, the production was a failure… In Israel we have a saying which translates to “The operation was a success but the patient died” it means that even though the execution of something may have been correct, that doesn’t guarantee it’s success.

I realise now that where I failed is in the one place I didn’t think needed the support, my passion.

At this moment in time I have no passion for theatre, I barely have the tolerance for it, perhaps this will change in time, but I know that if I try to push it then I will kill it off altogether. That is the thing I had to say about theatre. Now the rest.

I found during this production and the time before and afterwards, that what allowed me to continue were you, my friends, my friends here and my family. I realise that during my mad rush to be the best I can be, to change the world, to be the best Director that I can be. I left a lot of people behind. I had forgotten them, and you, momentarily blinded by the objective that I believed I needed to achieve I couldn’t see anything else, and when the castle that I built up around me came crashing down, the people that I so easily pushed aside were the ones that came and held it up with me.

I have spent too long trying to discover the person that I want to become and the factors that could make me that, and haven’t paid attention to the person I am.

I am not a director… at this moment that is clear, I could be, if I really wanted to then I could be, and I have pretended to be for so long that I have managed to fool myself and everyone else. The truth is I don’t know what I want to be or what I want to do.

So I am in the middle of finding out that I can’t carry everything on my back, and so I have to learn which things I should leave behind.

ThE operation may have been a success, but the patient still dIed

Whenever I hear this song (see below) the first note that I listen to seems to trigger all my dreams and goals at once. To be able to shine lights onto a band like that, with music like they produce and in front of such a large audience, this is still my biggest dream. Only do I still not really see how…

But then we could ask the question what would happen if we reached all our dreams very easily, what would we do then? Simply dream of new things? I don’t think it is that easy…

And yes Hans, it is because of people like your brother, but also because of the people we were together with in our Brookfield Lodge that things will eventually become better. Or maybe at least we will keep the balance against all the dull people. That may sound arrogant and probably is, but I know that you know that we simply don’t care.

All the best to you guys, wherever you are right now and whatever you are doing. This is one of those moments when I really miss certain comfy chairs, juggling balls and half half…

Great dreams may come true…

My brother Ed came to Oslo to visit us and work with me for two days today. We walked around town, had dinner and had a drink while reading some comics before going out to meet some more people. People I didn’t know. Friends of friends and so on… what struck me was how stupid I found the conversations. Really. Completely pointless things that where just plain stupid. Forgive me for beeing blunt, but it was. And I realised, my friends would never talk like this. My brother doesn’t either.

Like you, he cares. There is no one else in the world I would rather have on my side. He takes care of other people like they where family or lovers. He cares for everyone like they are the most important people in the world, and with him, they always are. We dance with the world, we live life as if there is no tomorrow. We rule the world together and we fight over it. We are best friends and the best working team there is (maybe just the second best…), and we care.

I realised lately how much he means to me. How much I truly care and love for him, how much I am willing to do for him. We have the greatest times together, we laugh and joke and the world spins around. And we care abbout everything. My brother, I will stand behind you on whatever endavour you may pursue, whatever adventure you may undertake, I shall be there too.

And it is because of people like him that we will be ok. Everyday heroes that cares about it all.

My brother, my hero.
The words written in ink on your arm, they are absolutely true.

Nulli secundus – second to none. How right you are.

my brother, How Proud i am

*On a side note, this is the 400th published post on the BrookfieldLodge blog! Crack open the champagne!

One thing is the moral issue here. Should we all help each other to better ourselves and society? Definetly. Should those who are strong and resourceful help those who are weak and poor? Yep. Is it a human moral obligation to aide those who are less fortunate than yourself? I think so.

But for the sake of the argument, we can put all this aside. Forget moral obligation and ethical standards. Let go of community belief and beeing a good samaritan. And the vote still came out wrong. Why?

It’s stupid.

Yes, it’s plain stupid not to make everyone, not just the few, as smart and as good as they can be. You don’t blunt your blade before going to war. You don’t let half your country grow up without a proper education. In the long run, nobody benefits from this. People with lesser education tend to have more labour intense jobs, which means they are more prone to injury, which means they need treatment, and sickpay and all these things that will cost society millions of euros every year. They also work shorter, statistically, which means they cost more in pension when they retire.

All these things will have to, eventually, be paid for by taxpayers money, which also include those who have more money and are happy leaving things they way they are now… the taxmoney could have been spent on further improvement of the schools, the healthcare system or taking care of the old people, but no, they decided to keep it the way it is. Plain stupid.

I think one thing is to be worried about our social concience. I guess this we can change over time. But the social inteligence?

Maybe we’re fucked after all.

Has stoPped beeing surprised

A different subject and perhaps more on the lines of our BLS philosophy thinking. On the weekend something very rare happened in Hamburg, Germany. The people there had the possibility to vote against or for a reformation of the school system in Hamburg. (Hamburg is not only a city but also one of the German federal states.) Why is that a rare occasion? Well, usually we don’t get the chance to vote for a lot of things. We elect our government, the government of the state we live in and also the local council. But that is about it. The German constitution gives the people the right to engage in a popular petition. For this to work, you have to get a certain amount of people (min. 1%) to sign the initial petition first. If this works out, the petition will then be legally granted and everyone allowed to vote will have the right to do so. But because the Germans (and a lot of other Europeans) are lazy when it comes to work for their own country, this method of direct democracy is not seen very often.

Lately it won a little more attention as the population of Bavaria voted for a much more stringent non-smoking law than the one in place. (To be honest, they had to vote for the one in place to be finally executed as the lobby of smokers managed to undermine the laws in quite a lot of ways.)

So in Hamburg now, people were asked to vote for or against the reformation of the current school system. The government worked together across all parties – and the usually “natural” boundaries a different party brings with it – and managed to find a decent and up-to-date solution for one of Hamburg’s biggest problems: The ever growing gap in eduction between kids from a poor and rich background. At the moment the pupils go to school all together for 4 year and after that they will split up into three different types of school, depending on their knowledge and skills after these 4 years. This ends in a social gap. A lot of the kids from the poorer end of town basically end up with the lowest educational level. Simply because a lot of them do have an immigrant background. So it was found, that if you would give those kids more time together with others, better educated kids, they would have a chance to also climb up the ladder of higher education.

The government changed the current system for it to be 6 years for all kids together before they would split up and go to different schools. This would give a lot of kids the chance to reach a higher qualified graduation and therefore better chances on the markets of tomorrow.

Well, the people of Hamburg don’t want their kids to stick together for too long. They voted against the new system and it will now not be executed. It seems, they don’t think it will help everyone that we grow together as one society and that everyone we leave behind will in the end be causing us more trouble than helping him to find the right way himself. We push people into their role as the social underdog and the result can be seen in the mega and large cities and metropolis around the globe and in Europe. In Berlin as well as in Paris or London, people with lower social status are forced out of the city. They form their own community, which is then not part of the overall community. People of different skin colour, religion and with different language live together in their own little cities within the city. Is that what we want? Apparently it is…

In Hamburg the people showed no sense for the greater picture. They proved themselves to be self-seekers for their kids. Is it wise to bring up children with such a narrow mind?
Oh and by the way… guess who voted the most? Yes, the population in the richer areas reached 57% voter participation whereas the poorer areas only had around 20%. Interesting, isn’t it? Apparently a lot of the people in the poorer areas lacked the understanding for what they are voting for and in the chaos of options quite a significant amount of people voted for the wrong thing, because they didn’t understand… but I am sure we don’t need higher education for everyone…

Something is wrong with our society

So what did the past two days of plotting and tech run learn me? Honestly, the most important message that came across was, that it will be very difficult to find a team like we were in Liverpool ever again. People that really commit to what they do and work up to the highest standards are hard to find. I had to fight with a lot of technical problems. The obvious ones like a broken Hazer, no proper smoke machine, although definitely specified, broken MACs and significant software problems on the ETC Congo. My dislike for this desk is growing. Usually I don’t care about what desk we are using and if the operator knows what he is doing, then there should be no problem at all. But this desk… Weird way of programming and a generally very edgy effects engine when it comes to moves. The HOG might be older, but it is much nicer and smoother.

Congo and Miss Saigon...

But off the topic of theatre and back into the real life. I notices something that Hans mentioned when we were all in Liverpool. This is a fenced in country. They build huge fences around all sorts of buildings, not only their private houses. The school where we rehearsed this show looks like you are entering a military zone. Why would you fence in a school? What is in there that should not come out? Knowledge? And what could possibly want to get in there and harm that? People willing to learn? Strange…

Today is a grey day here in Bournemouth. It is raining and the temperature dropped quite significantly. I will have to re-plot two numbers of the show and start from scratch with them. They simply don’t work. Generally this seems to be the thing with this show. A lot of numbers look stunning but they alternate with horribly dull looks in other numbers. So the balance is very off and today I will personally get my fingers on this desk (no idea if this is a good idea) and start to streamline it all so that it will in the end work out.

Oh, one interesting thing: The printing shop they got my A0 plan printed could not print the A0 PDF file I sent them straight out of the computer. They had to print it on A3 first, scan this one in and then print it on A0. The sense of this? No idea. The quality of it? There is ink on the paper… But nothing more to say…

Got one day left to shape the show