These are the things that I needed to continue through not only The Memory of Water which was by far the most difficult production I have come across so far, but also for Stitching; a show that I thoroughly enjoyed working on and watching and is now showing at the Edinburgh fringe festival to good satisfied audiences.
I find myself these days not doing very much of anything, or I should say, not very much of many things. And yet I find myself doing a great many things, my brother and I am writing a piece of theatre intersected by music called “My Mother’s Gypsies” about what it is like to be the child of a parent with incurable cancer.
I am going over the last few months and working out why, when I was doing the exact things I wanted to do I was so unhappy.
I found that I have been overwhelmed, not only by the shows, and the work, not even by having to take care of my mother or by the fact that I didn’t have a free moment to myself in almost 5 months. I found myself overwhelmed by the expectations that I had setup for myself.
The expectations that this production would be perfect, that this production would boost my career to a whole new level, and would teach me more than anything I have ever done before. My expectations were too high. Even though the production happened, and it went up to some pretty good audiences, all of which enjoyed it thoroughly, even though it was offered a potential tour, even though the reviews were complimentary and I was offered other work from it. All of this happened and yet in my eyes, the production was a failure… In Israel we have a saying which translates to “The operation was a success but the patient died” it means that even though the execution of something may have been correct, that doesn’t guarantee it’s success.
I realise now that where I failed is in the one place I didn’t think needed the support, my passion.
At this moment in time I have no passion for theatre, I barely have the tolerance for it, perhaps this will change in time, but I know that if I try to push it then I will kill it off altogether. That is the thing I had to say about theatre. Now the rest.
I found during this production and the time before and afterwards, that what allowed me to continue were you, my friends, my friends here and my family. I realise that during my mad rush to be the best I can be, to change the world, to be the best Director that I can be. I left a lot of people behind. I had forgotten them, and you, momentarily blinded by the objective that I believed I needed to achieve I couldn’t see anything else, and when the castle that I built up around me came crashing down, the people that I so easily pushed aside were the ones that came and held it up with me.
I have spent too long trying to discover the person that I want to become and the factors that could make me that, and haven’t paid attention to the person I am.
I am not a director… at this moment that is clear, I could be, if I really wanted to then I could be, and I have pretended to be for so long that I have managed to fool myself and everyone else. The truth is I don’t know what I want to be or what I want to do.
So I am in the middle of finding out that I can’t carry everything on my back, and so I have to learn which things I should leave behind.
ThE operation may have been a success, but the patient still dIed