Ave.

I wish God could see the world the way I do.

I wish he could come down here, spend a day with me, walk around town and look at all the people that populate this place. How incredible wonderful this microcosmos of beeings really is. We would walk to the national theatre, stop by the swedish girls and get a coffee or a tea, then marvel and the flowers around the statue of Wenche Foss before we would spend a moment philospising about the works of Henrik Ibsen, as you are shure to do when you pass the massive statue of him and see his words inscribed in the street all the way down to the parliament. We would visit the newsstand on Karl Johan, and talk to the guy that always is there, always happy to help passers by with whatever they need or want. From there we would make our way down to the opera house, and on the way we would by a copy of =Oslo from the recovering drug addict that is selling it. God would surely tell him something profound and touch his shoulder, and then he would learn his name is Håkon, and that Håkon is a really compassionate person, who’s made a few wrong choices in this life, but is hoping to correct some of them before he caves under for good. Then a street performer, a musician, would get our attention with his beautiful rendition of Simon and Garfunkel’s sound of silence. We would stand and listen to him, and his little daughter would come out of nowhere and join in on the chorus. God would ask me if I know of this man, and I would say that, yes, I do know of him. He left his wife 9 years ago to travel the world, he wanted to be free and see all the things life has to offer. He left his wife and little girl because he wanted to be free, and almost lost all that he cared about in the process. Now he lives alone in Oslo, he earns his income by singing songs on the street, and he sees his daughter a couple times a week. He says he doesn’t know when his wife will forgive him, if she ever will, but at least he gets to be there now.

We would part with a hug from the old man, and we would walk on. Nodding gracefully to vendors, young boys and their girls, elderly ladies on their weekly shopping trip and to travelling monks of other religions who have come to tiger city this day. We would get caught up in a group of german cruise tourists on a guided tour, and we would shake hands with Henke and Ariel, a finnish couple here on a weekend getaway. They are newly married and are expecting their first child in a couple of months. They are as happy as ever, high on life and love itself. Living carefree in a castle built around themselves out of young and unbreakable love. God would put his hand on Ariel’s stomach, and with a faint whisper, he would speak a blessing so profound and beautiful that it can only be heard by newborn ears.

As we reach the waters edge, and the maarble majesty of the opera house, God would remind me yet again why I do what I do, and that a building such as this, surely demonstrates the greatness of mankind in a very subtle and poetic way. As we walk along the waters edge, a fisherman that never cathces fish yells at us, a good wish for wind in our sails and fish in our nets. A young couple walks by, she, clearly intoxicated, has taken of her shoes – he, well dressed in a suite that doesn’t look right for him is holding her stady as the pass down the ways into town again. We – would carry on, sneaking into Akershus fortress the backway everyone knows about, watching the lone royal guardsman on his patrol – the most symbolic of military positions this country have, a guard that is guarding nothing but history. As he puts his rifle on his shoulder and turns around to walk, I would lead God to the top of the old wall, and as the sun sets over Oslo tonight, I would say to God; look at your creation. Take a look at it, not from above where you belong nor from below where lucifer reigns, but look at this world the way we do. From eye to eye. From head to head. From person to person. Look at us the way we look at ourselves, and see, that really, all we ever do, is try the best we can.

Come down lord, and look at us the way we look at us. Come down tonight and share the world with us.

Here i am, just a simPle human being

…of men and mice…

I guess.

wow… that, was, my friend, true wisdom. Although some part of me wants to say; I DISAGREE, the other part is sad to realise I have always known, yet never said nor wanted to believe, that you are absolutely right.

I want to fight what you have said with evert fiber in my body, to prove you wrong and to say that you are caving in. This is the one thing that you would never have me admit, for it is the basis of everything I am. My belief that we are the ones that will make it, that in the end, we were always right, that all the things we have said and done would somehow be justified by our eventual success. I guess this is my life’s great card house, it have always been, and I’m afraid it will always be. I believe that few people can understand the craving for success that I posess, which is almost narcisistic. Our joke that I’m always right and don’t loose is truly a sad joke, for in reality it is’nt a joke, it’s a nescesity. I have to be right. I have to win. I have to make it. This is what drives me. I will never settle for second, yet I know I can never be first. I will never settle for compromise, yet perfect is impossible. Know it as I do, I should accept reality.

But you are not and I do not, for as you so gently put it, there are many more things to life than work. Years ago, we had what I have later realised was a defining moment of my life, a conversation about choices. As always, I boldly, but sadly, exclaimed my choice to the world. Inside, I was in chaos at the moment, fighting every attempt at pulling me back to earth, to puncture my bubble. Some time later, when the chaos erupted and a great many hours was spent contemplating this very conversation, I realised the trick was making sure I never have to make the choice – which is, obviously; just making a new bubble around myself instead of puncturing the old one. The choice will be made, and it will be the right one. What sacrifices I must make in addition will surely send me down the hill.

Your post put a knot in my stomach today, which means it’s more true than anything I’ve ever written. But I’m not ready to admit it yet. Not yet. And I’m also sure that you will be the ones to bring me down eventually, for you are the only people with the knowledge to do it.

I know we will reach the top. But before we do, we must know where the bottom is. First one down will be first one back up I guess. I just hope you’ll take me with you. I know you will. I would.

I guess.

Your words lately have made me sad, for you touch something in the core of what I believe we are. Yet at the same time I am happy, because you finally said what I have always known. Many posts ago, I made a list, now, I think it is time for a new one.

E, your potential is unlimited and your friends are endless, or so it would seem – just remember they are there
H, your talent is infinite, and I hope you understand this one day – as it would be a great shame if you never do
M, of all of us, I believe you are the one truly at peace with who you are – unless you are like me, and the bubble will burst one day?
G, you are the leading man my friend, the wisest and best I know – you I would trust with everything I have

The list grows shorter. The truth grows more painful.
Still, we are together somehow, comforting as it is to know.

Every day brings us closer to the defining moments of everything else. Great things will come, we just have to be there when they do.

the trutH can be Painful

and the things we take with us…

In front of you there is nothing but solid rock. It’s surface smoothened by centuries of running water. Perfect, sublime yet towering. A work of art by nature itself. To climb over it? Impossible. To go around it? It has no begining and no end. The only way to the other side is through it. And to go through it requires great calm and great power. You have no choice but to sit down and meditate on this, this moment in your life where everything else seems worthless. To go through a wall like this, you have to find your perfect moment, the moment where everything is aligned with everything. Only then will the microscopics of this universe allow you to pass through the wall, simply like it is not there. But you have to go through the wall, and you can only take yourself with you. Your clothes, your cellphone, your credit card and your passport, they all have to stay behind.

But all that you have inside you can come. Your thoughts, your dreams, hopes, despair, anger and love. All this can come with you. Should you choose to do so. If I should wish, I would hope you’ll take us with you. In your thoughts, if you remember, we are always there. Take with you the ones you love and care for. And they’ll be there too, on the other side. If you remember.

Find the perfect moment. Go through the impossible wall. Take us with you. And we will be there. Forever, as swaying trees in the wind, as shimmering stars on the evening sky, as the rising morning sun and the eternal everest, we will be there.

Take us with you and we will be there.

find tHe Perfect moment

Magic.

I’m working on a TV show this week, and we’re having it in Oslo’s old “Folketeatret” – the peoples theatre. The building was completed in 1935 and used as a cinema until 1952. From 1959 the Norwegian Opera and Ballet held house here until they moved to the new Operahouse in 2008. A theatre space that is over 70 years leaves some kind of impression on you. This one is no exception. The building har hundreds of small corridors that leads to placed you don’t think exist, opening a door feels like embarking on a mission to charter new and unexplored teritory. There are marks, proof of people and shows past, everywhere. Names, signatures, quotes, old shelves with long forgotten things still on them. Old switches and plugs everywhere, old labels and old signs telling you to go through doors that are no longer there.

I went up to the flyfloor today, to bring in an LX bar. On my way, I took the lift from stagelevel and up to level 7, where the first flyfloor is. The lift is on the opposite side off the flytower, so you walk out of the lift and onto the gallery and then through a door before you vanish inside long and winding hallways (the winding hallway is obviously the back wall of the stage and flytower, curved so that it just fits a round horizon backdrop.) before you emerge out onto the flytower. However, before I go that far, there was a door with a large sign, written in gothic looking letters that said “do not enter with shoes on”. The door was ajar, and I had to look inside. There, in one of the corners of this gigantic building, far out of everything else, was a small dance studio. The windows where dirty, the ceiling and the door was old. The mirrros on the wall and the bar was worn and well used. The dancefloor, stretched as if it was laid yesterday, looked like it had been thread on by thousands. Yet, this small room, up there, in a remote corner, in a hallway where only the black dressed technicians usually wanders, was the very essence of what a theatre is.

It was as if someone turned a valve and all my feelings for theatre came pooring out. I realised I haven’t been really working in a theatre space big enough to have a flytower for a long time… the feeling, was.. magic. Comming out of the room again, I felt strangely lightheaded, invincible, happy. I remembered many memories of past, and ambitions not forgotten. But most important, it was a true feeling of purpose. True magic. I like theatres because it is the only place i truly can reign. It feels like my space, a place where I am the master of magic. Where I belong.

wHere i find a Purpose

The changing world.

Our world is changing. Quicker than even we, the young generations, can percieve. We have in our short lifetime gone from a isolated “big” world, to a connected “small” one. Everything is connected to everything. I can type something on twitter, and it is visible to thousands of people instantly. I can post a video on youtube and anyone, anywhere, can watch it whenever they want to. But is this changing us as well?

Recent studies suggest so, and there are a number of examples; a 15 year old today has produced more written material than most people in their 50’s have in their whole life. Our language isn’t dying, it’s evolving. American researchers found that the number of words in regular use and the clarity of language for people leaving high school have gone up dramatically for the past 10 years. There is more: the average teen today will have between 7 and 9 jobs before his 60th birthday. The average adult born before 1975 will have between 3 and 4. Modern people read roughly 3000 pages of textbooks each year; and 12.000 pages of e-mail.

The growing numbers relating to the collective information of the human race is staggering: each year, we upload more video hours to youtube than the complete production of CNN, NBC and the BBC put together. The total number of tweets to date is over 1 billion. If Facebook was a country, it would be the world’s 5th largest. When the idea of computers first took root, it was thought that one supercomputer on each continent would do; today, there are over 2 billion computer devices in the world. It has been suggested, that by the end of 2020, e-mail will no longer be the preferred method of communication; social networks and IM will have taken over completely. In 2015, the handheld device will be the primary accesspoint for over 50% of Internet users worldwide.

We have begun the transition to a new world. When everyone is a reporter, a cameraman and a photographer. When news reach the whole world in an instant and everyone can access anything, what does this do for democracy?

We are changing the very nature of our world. A new order, a new power, with the people, no longer restriced by borders, but united by cause. How will our leaders adapt to this? And; is this the start of the glorious new united world? Will this be the end of countries and eventually, war? In a world where everything is virtual, the warrior is outdated. Will it perhaps be, that the ones who will give us peace at last, will not be our leaders, our diplomats or our politicans, but ourselves?

sHaPe the world

You can’t play on broken strings…

… that is certainly true. When you have a guitar and the strings are broken it becomes rather difficult to play a tune – or at least to play an harmonic one. My guitar is my life and the strings are all broken. I was never very good at playing before they broke, but since they are broken, the tune that I can manage to play is everything but pleasant.

I am so fed up with it all. Where the hell is my place in this world? When will I find it and will this ever happen? Somehow I missed out on a real and proper life over the past 25+ years. And now? I am hunting behind it every little second. Always getting myself in my own way. Nothing works, nothing shows its truth and I have no idea how to go on. In any way. Always sensible, rational and calm. Blabla…

I am standing at the loudest place in a crowd, the music cannot be any louder. Me, the person who always had problems with loud music simply because I cannot stand it… I find myself looking for the one place where it is louder than anywhere else. I keep myself awake for hours and hours only to know what it means to feel something. I was wandering around today in the heavy rain we had for over 12 hours. I went from one place to the other, not knowing where to go. Sat alone watching the other people go by. Having fun. I drank too much. And it didn’t help. I tried to reach some friends and all I found was superficial advice and rejection. Wow. How great it all is.

For god’s sake! This is so annoying. No purpose, nothing to look forward to, no aspiration. I am screaming at the top of my voice – only that you cannot hear me. I don’t want any of this any more. But where is the emergency exit door? It probably didn’t get built in at the beginning. And now? Do I need a sledge hammer?

I was wondering how long it actually takes for one to climb out of the valleys of life back up the hill. But I realised as it never rains – it pours, you can actually climb but still dig yourself deeper into the ground. How amazing!

Get away bloody lighting gels! Leave me alone moving lights! I don’t wanna see a CAD drawing any more! Leave me alone loud music and party people! Leave me alone pride! Leave me alone rainbow colours and everything that comes with it! Leave me alone Europride! My memories: leave me bloody alone and let go on things you cannot change! Leave me alone and accept that there are things that you cannot change, bring back or fix! Some things are lost for good! Leave them alone! So why the hell does it not work? Why why why…? I just wanna have peace from myself! Not to think about it all. Not to miss what you cannot have. Not to worry about tomorrow. Not to sit here alone. I just want to be happy for once. For one simple moment. I wanna be able to say: This is my favourite moment. And if I can only have one moment it should be this one.

Fuck off destiny and faith. I lost the believe in everything I ever believed in. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. There is no predetermined path we walk. It is all just a lot of crap.

Holidays of Life.

The truth of lies

Yes. The truth is always best. Even though there may never be a comfortable time to tell it, the aspect that shows the most about our character, or infact our soul is that we recognise that uncomfortableness, because for us to tell the truth may hurt someone, it may offend them. Yes. It is best in the long run but initially it could hurt them, and that is why we feel uncomfortable, because we don’t want to see them hurt.

What’s the difference between a good person and a bad person is the balance between the wisdom to know we cannot always be good and honest, the stubbornness to try, and the foolishness of blaming ourselves when we fail.

The universe is so huge and we are so small, there is only one thing we can truly control, wether we are good or evil.

We become the people we will ourselves to be, or infact we are already the people we will ourselves to be, because only the people we are would will ourselves to be that specific thing, therefore surely the pursuit for truth makes us truthful people, the pursuit for good makes us good, and the pursuit for god proves our faith.

thinking when i’m not DirEctIng