You can’t play on broken strings…

… that is certainly true. When you have a guitar and the strings are broken it becomes rather difficult to play a tune – or at least to play an harmonic one. My guitar is my life and the strings are all broken. I was never very good at playing before they broke, but since they are broken, the tune that I can manage to play is everything but pleasant.

I am so fed up with it all. Where the hell is my place in this world? When will I find it and will this ever happen? Somehow I missed out on a real and proper life over the past 25+ years. And now? I am hunting behind it every little second. Always getting myself in my own way. Nothing works, nothing shows its truth and I have no idea how to go on. In any way. Always sensible, rational and calm. Blabla…

I am standing at the loudest place in a crowd, the music cannot be any louder. Me, the person who always had problems with loud music simply because I cannot stand it… I find myself looking for the one place where it is louder than anywhere else. I keep myself awake for hours and hours only to know what it means to feel something. I was wandering around today in the heavy rain we had for over 12 hours. I went from one place to the other, not knowing where to go. Sat alone watching the other people go by. Having fun. I drank too much. And it didn’t help. I tried to reach some friends and all I found was superficial advice and rejection. Wow. How great it all is.

For god’s sake! This is so annoying. No purpose, nothing to look forward to, no aspiration. I am screaming at the top of my voice – only that you cannot hear me. I don’t want any of this any more. But where is the emergency exit door? It probably didn’t get built in at the beginning. And now? Do I need a sledge hammer?

I was wondering how long it actually takes for one to climb out of the valleys of life back up the hill. But I realised as it never rains – it pours, you can actually climb but still dig yourself deeper into the ground. How amazing!

Get away bloody lighting gels! Leave me alone moving lights! I don’t wanna see a CAD drawing any more! Leave me alone loud music and party people! Leave me alone pride! Leave me alone rainbow colours and everything that comes with it! Leave me alone Europride! My memories: leave me bloody alone and let go on things you cannot change! Leave me alone and accept that there are things that you cannot change, bring back or fix! Some things are lost for good! Leave them alone! So why the hell does it not work? Why why why…? I just wanna have peace from myself! Not to think about it all. Not to miss what you cannot have. Not to worry about tomorrow. Not to sit here alone. I just want to be happy for once. For one simple moment. I wanna be able to say: This is my favourite moment. And if I can only have one moment it should be this one.

Fuck off destiny and faith. I lost the believe in everything I ever believed in. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. There is no predetermined path we walk. It is all just a lot of crap.

Holidays of Life.

Five hundret twenty five thousand six hundret minutes…

… how do you measure a year?

A good question. How long is time actually? I mean, time is something we rationally created and we accept to be the way it is. But why is time so different for everyone? Why do we experience it so completely different to everyone else? Why is time running so incredibly slow at the moment? Why does nothing improve but is just getting worse every day? Why do things always turn out the worst? And nothing ever works out?

I really don’t have an answer to any of these questions. What I know is that time is not working with me right now and I also know that I will need a lot of time, much more than I ever wanted or thought, to get over the things that happened to me lately. I am sure it is true that time heals… but when? Is time efficient? Is it mean? If it isn’t, then I might ask the question, why do we have to go through the times when things are just all bad. Why does it need so much time to see the light again? I am just not ready to accept that we have to experience the bad things all the time to enjoy the few seconds of joy we have in our lives. I simply don’t want to believe this. 25, no, almost 26 years and where am I now…? I have lost the perspective and the ability to look at things objectively. As nothing is turning out right.

Do we all go through this every now and then? I don’t know… but what I know is that I don’t want to wait for another 25 years to find someone again where everything feels right… I simply don’t want to wait for such a long time again. But then, considering the amount of people on this planet, I think the possibility to find the right person is incredibly small…

Sorry for the rant or the mess of thoughts. It is probably not the right thing to write here in the middle of the night when you had way too much to drink already. But this is the good thing here… I am amongst a small group of people who have the rights (at least on an IT-level) to write whenever they want. Feel free to ignore it… but if you read it: Welcome to my life. For details, please call me…

Completely fed up with things