The life of others…

Whatever we do, whoever we meet, whatever we say, we always change the life of everyone else around us as well. Sometimes what we say or don’t say changes someone else’s life more, the longer we wait to tell the truth. I know what I am talking about from a lot of different occasions and through different situations. In the end, I still believe the truth is more important than anything else. Maybe the time to tell this truth is not always ideal and maybe sometimes we could have found a better time to do the right thing. But is there something like the right time at all? I am not so sure…

Yesterday I was talking with a friend of mine. At some point we reached a very spiritual topic. How much does the church as an institution have to do with faith? Because my belief was that those two things have become more and more separated from each other. The institution church, being the christian church, or more the catholic part of it, judges so many people on this planet. Where did the open spirit, the open mind go, that everyone was created equal?

We also came to a point when I said, I feel that I should be a good person. Because this is what I feel this is what god really wanted us all to become. But then it is such a great struggle sometimes. I want to be a good person, someone who does not judge the people in advance. Someone who is not unfair and gives each and everyone the same chance to prove that there is a special talent in each of us. And that the challenge is to find it… But then, I feel that I am far from being this person. So many mistakes done and so many still to be made… so many people hurt on my way through life. And I am not sure how many good things you have to do in order to balance out the bad things… I hope the knowledge of all of that helps me to become the person I am aiming to become…

Jumping stream of thought… As always. Good night.

Georg,

take all your swatch books…
go outside…
look at the sky
now try and find the same colour
just one, the best and most perfect one you can possibly find
take your time and make it right
if you’ve found the right colour just look up and double check it again…
surely it’s not the right one anymore – is it?

Life is all about the moment.
Sometimes you are the colour,
Sometimes you are the sky.
So try to find good moments instead of the best colour,
The colour will change again.
But you can keep the moment for ever.

Take care.
The time is working for you . . .

and the ability to interpret those dreams

Everyone has the ability to dream, but it takes a certain will to seek those dreams out, and even more it takes wisdom to understand what they mean.

Brick walls are there for a reason, they show us how much we really want something. And that is all that they show, they do not give us reason for our want nor do they show us the alternatives, sometimes I find myself so involved with climbing certain walls that when I get over them I realise that on the other side wasn’t what I was looking for.

Brick walls are there for a reason, they show us just how much we want…

Maybe we’re on the other side of the wall, and have just realised that hard as it was to get here, it will be harder getting back… so we can start all over again.

Brick walls are there for a reason, for climbing.

Five hundret twenty five thousand six hundret minutes…

… how do you measure a year?

A good question. How long is time actually? I mean, time is something we rationally created and we accept to be the way it is. But why is time so different for everyone? Why do we experience it so completely different to everyone else? Why is time running so incredibly slow at the moment? Why does nothing improve but is just getting worse every day? Why do things always turn out the worst? And nothing ever works out?

I really don’t have an answer to any of these questions. What I know is that time is not working with me right now and I also know that I will need a lot of time, much more than I ever wanted or thought, to get over the things that happened to me lately. I am sure it is true that time heals… but when? Is time efficient? Is it mean? If it isn’t, then I might ask the question, why do we have to go through the times when things are just all bad. Why does it need so much time to see the light again? I am just not ready to accept that we have to experience the bad things all the time to enjoy the few seconds of joy we have in our lives. I simply don’t want to believe this. 25, no, almost 26 years and where am I now…? I have lost the perspective and the ability to look at things objectively. As nothing is turning out right.

Do we all go through this every now and then? I don’t know… but what I know is that I don’t want to wait for another 25 years to find someone again where everything feels right… I simply don’t want to wait for such a long time again. But then, considering the amount of people on this planet, I think the possibility to find the right person is incredibly small…

Sorry for the rant or the mess of thoughts. It is probably not the right thing to write here in the middle of the night when you had way too much to drink already. But this is the good thing here… I am amongst a small group of people who have the rights (at least on an IT-level) to write whenever they want. Feel free to ignore it… but if you read it: Welcome to my life. For details, please call me…

Completely fed up with things

May 99 never come again

I shouldn’t really be posting at the moment, as I know this will just come out negative, and that I will regret making this my 100th post as it will not be much of an example of the rest of my posts… but fuck it here goes.

It never rains, but it pours. I believe that is the saying people use to describe bad things when they all seem to happen at once. This is not the case here, i am just using it as the subject of love seemed to arise at the same time as my 100th post.

(I should take a moment to draw your attention to the fact that I said “I believe” for something that I am absolutely sure about.)

Carrying on…

Love… lose me, put me somewhere where I cannot be found,

Love, forget me, throw me away, ignore me, pass over me, pretend I was not here.

Love, leave me alone, you have done enough, now go.

Why do we do these things to ourselves? open ourselves up to get hurt… because that’s what will happen, in the end. “Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all”… bullshit. “Tis better to be loved”… possibly.

Is love anything to do with this destiny we talk of so much? Is love part of the greater plan, did god create love? or was it some side effect to being human? is love our obstacle in life… the thing we must overcome to reach our destiny?

We love, we lose, and the wheels of the bus go round and round.

Why play a game you’re destined to lose, Georg would say that if you truly believe you can win then you will, Hans would tell me to change the rules. but I say, Why play?

My heart may be more beautiful with all the scars, and I suppose this makes you bigger men than I. But I’m tired, and I’m sad, and I’m alone, and I just can’t find reason to love anymore. I will never be complete.

As I have said before, I think of every sign of affection on the part of a woman as a preamble to an act of love, so love forget me, for just one moment, let me breathe for just a second. leave me alone and crush someone else because I just can’t take it anymore.

Bring on post 101, may 99 never come again.

Love, Life, Lies EverlastIng

Learning how to love, again.

G’s post is as clever as it is true. And personally, the timing is perfect. Not because I have wounds need filling nor because I do not know love, but simply because at this point I think I am learning about love again. Perhaps even learning how to love again.

I believe I speak the truth when I say that my heart is scarred, if we stick to G’s metaphors for love, in that I give to others what is given to me. At least. Or at the very least I hope I do. It is difficult to tell my own actions from my own dreams. But have I really understood what it meant to tear pieces off and fill the holes with pieces of strange blood? What does it really mean to love someone?

Would you die for the one you love? Would you kill for the one you love? Yes and no. I believe I would do anything to keep safe and protect from harm or injury, those whom I love. But I would much rather live for the one I love. Instead of killing, I would much rather create. Spend life together while seeds grow into flowers, hills into mountains and icebergs into glaciers. I would much rather watch the world go by as we silently weep the loss of old friends and family, inevitable as it is, than to die trying to prevent these things. If I have to, I would slaughter the world and die trying to see my loved again, but I would much rather live and give the entirety of my life and all that I am just for one more second.

I would kill for love. But I will live for my loved.

H.
for Signhild. I love you.