It’s the experience that counts… isn’t it?

For our readers who didn’t get the reference, the title of this post was also the title of Georg’s Dissertation (or FRP for some).

For my FRP I wrote about haitian and african trances and the methods of entering them, without ever actually doing the mantras being part of a ceremony or ever actually entering trance (apart from the trances we go into everyday). Lately I have been working with a Zimbabwaean theatre company called ‘Theatre Under Fire’ and have been incorporating alot of their singing and dancing into the story of Macbeth, and as a result I have been learning to Sing and Dance with them, this consists of an awful lot of breathing from your diaphram and stamping, and changing directions very suddenly, and also it flows quite easily so you can easily get lost in the rhythm of it, especially if there are 3 guys drumming along in the background. I finally fell into trance, over a year after writing a paper about it, and had I done it before hand I never would have written about it, because no amount of words can describe the myriad of things going on, the sensation of being ultra aware, of being completely out of control of your facilities and yet feel like you can control everything, the flying sensation when you let it go and then when I realised that I was in trance I was already out of it, because you cannot be selfaware in trance. Just as amazing as being in the trance feels being out of it feels like waking up from a nightmare, you jerk forwards and inhale simoultaneously and then have to just stop moving, catch your breath, and try to piece together the events of the past minute, (because it feels as if it has been hours). Even this does not even scrape the surface of what the experience felt like, and that is what made me think of this title.

The second of the two things that links in with this topic; I was in Liverpool last night (in fact im on the train back to Manchester now) I visited some friends I haven’t seen for a while, and I was reminded that what endears Liverpool in my memories was the experiences there, not the city. I have this revelation everytime I return to Liverpool… but it still bears mentioning.

And Finally, I am sitting on a train travelling at (relatively) high speeds through british countryside, and regardless of what yesterday brought that tomorrow may reclaim, the experience is here and now, and that can never be taken away from me.

“Only the person who has experienced light and darkness, war and peace, rise and fall, only that person has truly experienced life”         Stefan Zweig

So I would say, yes, it is the experience that counts.

Experiencing lIfe


P.S Mr Administrator, WordPress would like me to notify you that version 2.8 is available 😛

You can’t play on broken strings…

… that is certainly true. When you have a guitar and the strings are broken it becomes rather difficult to play a tune – or at least to play an harmonic one. My guitar is my life and the strings are all broken. I was never very good at playing before they broke, but since they are broken, the tune that I can manage to play is everything but pleasant.

I am so fed up with it all. Where the hell is my place in this world? When will I find it and will this ever happen? Somehow I missed out on a real and proper life over the past 25+ years. And now? I am hunting behind it every little second. Always getting myself in my own way. Nothing works, nothing shows its truth and I have no idea how to go on. In any way. Always sensible, rational and calm. Blabla…

I am standing at the loudest place in a crowd, the music cannot be any louder. Me, the person who always had problems with loud music simply because I cannot stand it… I find myself looking for the one place where it is louder than anywhere else. I keep myself awake for hours and hours only to know what it means to feel something. I was wandering around today in the heavy rain we had for over 12 hours. I went from one place to the other, not knowing where to go. Sat alone watching the other people go by. Having fun. I drank too much. And it didn’t help. I tried to reach some friends and all I found was superficial advice and rejection. Wow. How great it all is.

For god’s sake! This is so annoying. No purpose, nothing to look forward to, no aspiration. I am screaming at the top of my voice – only that you cannot hear me. I don’t want any of this any more. But where is the emergency exit door? It probably didn’t get built in at the beginning. And now? Do I need a sledge hammer?

I was wondering how long it actually takes for one to climb out of the valleys of life back up the hill. But I realised as it never rains – it pours, you can actually climb but still dig yourself deeper into the ground. How amazing!

Get away bloody lighting gels! Leave me alone moving lights! I don’t wanna see a CAD drawing any more! Leave me alone loud music and party people! Leave me alone pride! Leave me alone rainbow colours and everything that comes with it! Leave me alone Europride! My memories: leave me bloody alone and let go on things you cannot change! Leave me alone and accept that there are things that you cannot change, bring back or fix! Some things are lost for good! Leave them alone! So why the hell does it not work? Why why why…? I just wanna have peace from myself! Not to think about it all. Not to miss what you cannot have. Not to worry about tomorrow. Not to sit here alone. I just want to be happy for once. For one simple moment. I wanna be able to say: This is my favourite moment. And if I can only have one moment it should be this one.

Fuck off destiny and faith. I lost the believe in everything I ever believed in. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. There is no predetermined path we walk. It is all just a lot of crap.

Holidays of Life.


take all your swatch books…
go outside…
look at the sky
now try and find the same colour
just one, the best and most perfect one you can possibly find
take your time and make it right
if you’ve found the right colour just look up and double check it again…
surely it’s not the right one anymore – is it?

Life is all about the moment.
Sometimes you are the colour,
Sometimes you are the sky.
So try to find good moments instead of the best colour,
The colour will change again.
But you can keep the moment for ever.

Take care.
The time is working for you . . .