Dancing in the light

There’s this guy I know. Bearded, good tempered fella’ with a hunch for how people are really doing and a great sense of humour. He sings songs when he thinks that no one listens and likes really big chunks of cheese on his crackers. He goes all over the world, making friends and comming up with new ideas and plans as he moves along. He makes ridiculously complicated romantic schemes to woe his girlfriend and he always manage to pull them off. Well, mostly. On the stage, he stays off it, in the back, on the top or in the audience. He merely guides and tempts, he never tells. In and out of the light he dances, my director.

There’s this girl I know. Drinking, singing, swinging and hanging in there ’til the end. She loves pirates but not the sea. Her love for chocolate and things sweet is only matched by her compassion for her friends. She’s been almost around the world, dancing now. She’s the craziest person I know, she’s the honest and truest I know too. She’s good fun and a great laugh. She teases me as I tease her, she patronizes me as I patronize her. And my respect for her is as her respect for me. I know. In and out of the light she dances, not mine, but still, my dancer.

There’s this guy I know. Ze German. Old dude with this perfect nonchalant attitude towards his personal style and outfit. Just perfect. Takes his time with everything, but again, manages just perfect every time. Likes his rum 7 years old to the bottle, and is the most spontaneus person I know, although, I’m not sure he knows that. He too, likes the smell and taste, the touch and feel of the world. He cares for the little things, the once that really matters. Keeps a mug of really strange looking utensils on his desk, and some more in his drawer too. Like me, he is of the light, in and out of the light he dances, my designer.

There’s this guy I know, another German actually, if you recognise Bayern as such. Best man I ever met, honest, true and completely straight up – he doesn’t bullshit and doesn’t want anyone else to do either. His panache for mischief is incredible, and I’m sure if it wasn’t for consequences he’d have a lot more fun making fools out of other people – in the completely right way though. His cooking skills is as good as they come, and for his skills with his medium of choice, light, out of this world. If he quits then I see no reason why the rest of us should keep doing it. Truly, in and out of the light he dances, again, my designer.

There’s this girl I know. Mostly she’s smiling, laughing and playing around. She walks in the grass bare footed, she sings songs to the sky and eats strawberries from the field. She holds my hand and comes with me to the strangest of places, my camera likes her hair and I too, like her eyes. She listens to music with all of her body and moves to the slightes sound, in and out of the light she dances, my dancer. Her body moves with such grace and skill between legs and ramps, her eyes follow her movement as it was her hair, and her mind flows out to those who care enough to look for it. In and out of the light she dances, my dancer.

There’s these people I know. In and out of the light they dance, my friends.

There’s this guy I know, Hans they call him. Not sure what he’s up to or where he’s going, but he’s dancing along the way. In and out of the light.

for yesterday and all tomorrows, we dance the best we know

in and out of the ligHt People, in and out of the light…

the people of today

I wonder what the people of tomorrow will think about the people of today. Will they read about us in history and think in awe about the great things we accomplished. Will they read about the ones who conquered all plagues, erradicated war and brought humanity into a new era of compassion and peace. Or will they read about the generations that destroyed our homeworld, that spent all the resources and ruined international relations for all forseeable time.

Will they look at our technological revolution as the beginning of the end, or as the beginning of the new world? For this is where we have come now. We are at a point in our evolution, technological progress and interhuman relations where we, and I mean we; the whole of humanity, must make a choice. Do we stand back and watch, let the chaos and carnage happen? Do we let the world fall to the problems of our fathers? … or do we act now, do we let our anger and rage change the world forever?

I’m 25 years old. I don’t know what I’ll be doing in 12 months time. But I will do it with all my passion and energy. I did not create the problems of today, but they are my problems, and I have to solve them. I didn’t bring the world to this state of terror, but it is my world, and I have to live in it. I will do it with all my passion and energy because this is the only way it will ever work. We all have to do what we do, as good as we can, as persistent as our will lets us, and as arrogant as our courage tells us.

I see people my age everywhere, dreaming great dreams and willing something with their life. Don’t you see, we are a genetation of dreamers, visionaries and we will change the world. We have started to fix all that is wrong, all the things you did before we came, we will fix it. Just give us some time. And don’t try to stop us.
I did not create the problems. But they are my problems. And I will fix them.

I wonder what the people of yesterday would think of the people of today.

for yesterday and all tomorrows, we dance the best we know.

tHe Problem?

I know when it was…

There were two of them.

– the first, in retrospect, quite obvious; we were in the PMA, watching a really badly lit dance piece, it was our first week together, and Eyal, sitting next to Katrin, turns to me and says – I really want to be a lighting designer!

– the second, more subtle, yet still defining for us as what we want to be – in the PC suite on 5th floor, Didrik and I were having a conversation about Mac’s versus Vari-Lite. Didrik exclaims – Mac (…) they’re the greatest… upon which I reply – they’re good, but Vari-Lite still has the edge. At this point Georg chips in with what, which in retrospect I’m sure he regret ever saying – Hans is right, (…) I think the VL’s are better.

Inconsequential conversations one might say. But truly, life defining moments they turned out to be. For what would any one of us be without the other?

notHing without Passion

…of men and mice…

I guess.

wow… that, was, my friend, true wisdom. Although some part of me wants to say; I DISAGREE, the other part is sad to realise I have always known, yet never said nor wanted to believe, that you are absolutely right.

I want to fight what you have said with evert fiber in my body, to prove you wrong and to say that you are caving in. This is the one thing that you would never have me admit, for it is the basis of everything I am. My belief that we are the ones that will make it, that in the end, we were always right, that all the things we have said and done would somehow be justified by our eventual success. I guess this is my life’s great card house, it have always been, and I’m afraid it will always be. I believe that few people can understand the craving for success that I posess, which is almost narcisistic. Our joke that I’m always right and don’t loose is truly a sad joke, for in reality it is’nt a joke, it’s a nescesity. I have to be right. I have to win. I have to make it. This is what drives me. I will never settle for second, yet I know I can never be first. I will never settle for compromise, yet perfect is impossible. Know it as I do, I should accept reality.

But you are not and I do not, for as you so gently put it, there are many more things to life than work. Years ago, we had what I have later realised was a defining moment of my life, a conversation about choices. As always, I boldly, but sadly, exclaimed my choice to the world. Inside, I was in chaos at the moment, fighting every attempt at pulling me back to earth, to puncture my bubble. Some time later, when the chaos erupted and a great many hours was spent contemplating this very conversation, I realised the trick was making sure I never have to make the choice – which is, obviously; just making a new bubble around myself instead of puncturing the old one. The choice will be made, and it will be the right one. What sacrifices I must make in addition will surely send me down the hill.

Your post put a knot in my stomach today, which means it’s more true than anything I’ve ever written. But I’m not ready to admit it yet. Not yet. And I’m also sure that you will be the ones to bring me down eventually, for you are the only people with the knowledge to do it.

I know we will reach the top. But before we do, we must know where the bottom is. First one down will be first one back up I guess. I just hope you’ll take me with you. I know you will. I would.

I guess.

Your words lately have made me sad, for you touch something in the core of what I believe we are. Yet at the same time I am happy, because you finally said what I have always known. Many posts ago, I made a list, now, I think it is time for a new one.

E, your potential is unlimited and your friends are endless, or so it would seem – just remember they are there
H, your talent is infinite, and I hope you understand this one day – as it would be a great shame if you never do
M, of all of us, I believe you are the one truly at peace with who you are – unless you are like me, and the bubble will burst one day?
G, you are the leading man my friend, the wisest and best I know – you I would trust with everything I have

The list grows shorter. The truth grows more painful.
Still, we are together somehow, comforting as it is to know.

Every day brings us closer to the defining moments of everything else. Great things will come, we just have to be there when they do.

the trutH can be Painful

… and all that is …

I am aware that there is a fake lighting desk in between this post and the ones before. But this one here needed time, time for me to think about what I want to say.

We leave things behind all the time. Every second we leave something behind. And then we look back and we judge what we see. There are those moments when we feel that what we have done was not good. There are moments, when we cannot figure out, why and above all, how we managed to achieve what we did. It feels that all the energy and passion that is needed to go on has been lost in this last project. It feels empty, dry and cold. The sparkle in our eyes has died and and flame of passion is gone.

A while ago we chose to walk into this direction, our profession. We believed that this would be our path and our destiny. We believed we would at some point be great, we reached out for the stars and were very certain that amongst all the people that have the same goal, we would be the ones to easily reach whatever we were longing for. We discarded other people, we looked down on them. We were arrogant and stubborn, didn’t look left and right, ignored others that felt different and always believed in us to be better.

Well, we are not. We flew high and our expectations were even higher. And so we fell. Farther than we could handle. Realised that it is a fight. But not only a fight with the circumstances but more and above all a fight with ourselves. To get up everyday and be small is a challenge. And you have to take it on in order to grow. Challenge means that things are difficult. Unknown. Unexpected.

Currently I am sitting in Beijing. Was lighting designer on three jobs. All of them doable and easy. Well, none of them was. Suddenly responsible for the whole thing. At the other end of the world and no way you could get out. So I had to get through. There were moments when I felt like I wanna hide somewhere and wait till it is all over. You know, this has really been an easy job – before I got here. But what changed were the demands and expectations. Not mine, but the ones of everyone else. This was a corporate production where every detail was important. I could blame equipment, bad communication in advance and difficult communication here, different working attitude or lifestyle…

It would still be unfair. Yes, all of that happened, but it was me being unsure. Shortly before I came here I realised what I am up to in my new job. I am still doing the same stuff than before, but the projects are so much bigger, the responsibility suddenly much greater but the experience is not. I learnt that I know nothing. All I have done so far has been a lot of luck and no knowledge at all. I also built my own little house of cards over the past years. I was still arrogant and ignorant. And thought the world is mine.

You know, we always leave things behind. Basically we leave everything behind all the time. But something we always carry with us: Ourselves. Eyal, we are all only us. We wanted to believe we can be more, but that is not right. It has to be us that needs to become more. We have to grow and this changes us. In order to grow, we have to face it: There is so much we don’t know. There is so much more to be learnt along the way. And there is so much more to life than just a career.

Maybe it is because my passion for it all is also still buried. But I always said that and I always believed in it: There are other things than lighting, directing or basically work. It helps to step back and realise that there are so many things that enrich our lives every time. Think about it! Isn’t it great to know that there is someone who really loves us? Isn’t it a great thing that there are friends out there who make us happy? Isn’t it great that we have the chance to experience a new day? You see, it is simple…

Kathy was right when she suggested that we are too narrow minded. Too focused. We were the closed up group that nobody could get into. Sheena once said that. And we excluded people, because they chose a different way than we would have done. Maybe we disagree with how some people make their decisions, but hey, it is not up to us to judge that. People are different and that makes the variety of this world.

I know, I have done a huge round now, but coming back, I think it is important to realise what Eyal found out: Yes, we are only the person we are. But we are able to grow. And nothing says we can’t decide to grow into a different direction, have different blossoms over our lifetime. The passion might come back, but the important thing is, that if it doesn’t, it’s not bad either. There are other things to life. And looking at those things will help.

Maybe this all makes no sense at all. But I learnt so much here in China, just by talking to people from this country.

The person we are is growing. Still.

Of dreams

How important are our dreams? Is dreaming something that we need to do? By dreams I don’t refer to the ones we have at night, but the ones we constantly have in our head. The ones that set our life goals after which we are after.

Whenever I hear this song (see below) the first note that I listen to seems to trigger all my dreams and goals at once. To be able to shine lights onto a band like that, with music like they produce and in front of such a large audience, this is still my biggest dream. Only do I still not really see how…

But then we could ask the question what would happen if we reached all our dreams very easily, what would we do then? Simply dream of new things? I don’t think it is that easy…

And yes Hans, it is because of people like your brother, but also because of the people we were together with in our Brookfield Lodge that things will eventually become better. Or maybe at least we will keep the balance against all the dull people. That may sound arrogant and probably is, but I know that you know that we simply don’t care.

All the best to you guys, wherever you are right now and whatever you are doing. This is one of those moments when I really miss certain comfy chairs, juggling balls and half half…

Great dreams may come true…

My brother, my hero

I realised today, that the answer to the last question of my previous question is simply; no. You want to know why?

My brother Ed came to Oslo to visit us and work with me for two days today. We walked around town, had dinner and had a drink while reading some comics before going out to meet some more people. People I didn’t know. Friends of friends and so on… what struck me was how stupid I found the conversations. Really. Completely pointless things that where just plain stupid. Forgive me for beeing blunt, but it was. And I realised, my friends would never talk like this. My brother doesn’t either.

Like you, he cares. There is no one else in the world I would rather have on my side. He takes care of other people like they where family or lovers. He cares for everyone like they are the most important people in the world, and with him, they always are. We dance with the world, we live life as if there is no tomorrow. We rule the world together and we fight over it. We are best friends and the best working team there is (maybe just the second best…), and we care.

I realised lately how much he means to me. How much I truly care and love for him, how much I am willing to do for him. We have the greatest times together, we laugh and joke and the world spins around. And we care abbout everything. My brother, I will stand behind you on whatever endavour you may pursue, whatever adventure you may undertake, I shall be there too.

And it is because of people like him that we will be ok. Everyday heroes that cares about it all.

My brother, my hero.
The words written in ink on your arm, they are absolutely true.

Nulli secundus – second to none. How right you are.

my brother, How Proud i am

*On a side note, this is the 400th published post on the BrookfieldLodge blog! Crack open the champagne!