Five hundret twenty five thousand six hundret minutes…

… how do you measure a year?

A good question. How long is time actually? I mean, time is something we rationally created and we accept to be the way it is. But why is time so different for everyone? Why do we experience it so completely different to everyone else? Why is time running so incredibly slow at the moment? Why does nothing improve but is just getting worse every day? Why do things always turn out the worst? And nothing ever works out?

I really don’t have an answer to any of these questions. What I know is that time is not working with me right now and I also know that I will need a lot of time, much more than I ever wanted or thought, to get over the things that happened to me lately. I am sure it is true that time heals… but when? Is time efficient? Is it mean? If it isn’t, then I might ask the question, why do we have to go through the times when things are just all bad. Why does it need so much time to see the light again? I am just not ready to accept that we have to experience the bad things all the time to enjoy the few seconds of joy we have in our lives. I simply don’t want to believe this. 25, no, almost 26 years and where am I now…? I have lost the perspective and the ability to look at things objectively. As nothing is turning out right.

Do we all go through this every now and then? I don’t know… but what I know is that I don’t want to wait for another 25 years to find someone again where everything feels right… I simply don’t want to wait for such a long time again. But then, considering the amount of people on this planet, I think the possibility to find the right person is incredibly small…

Sorry for the rant or the mess of thoughts. It is probably not the right thing to write here in the middle of the night when you had way too much to drink already. But this is the good thing here… I am amongst a small group of people who have the rights (at least on an IT-level) to write whenever they want. Feel free to ignore it… but if you read it: Welcome to my life. For details, please call me…

Completely fed up with things

May 99 never come again

I shouldn’t really be posting at the moment, as I know this will just come out negative, and that I will regret making this my 100th post as it will not be much of an example of the rest of my posts… but fuck it here goes.

It never rains, but it pours. I believe that is the saying people use to describe bad things when they all seem to happen at once. This is not the case here, i am just using it as the subject of love seemed to arise at the same time as my 100th post.

(I should take a moment to draw your attention to the fact that I said “I believe” for something that I am absolutely sure about.)

Carrying on…

Love… lose me, put me somewhere where I cannot be found,

Love, forget me, throw me away, ignore me, pass over me, pretend I was not here.

Love, leave me alone, you have done enough, now go.

Why do we do these things to ourselves? open ourselves up to get hurt… because that’s what will happen, in the end. “Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all”… bullshit. “Tis better to be loved”… possibly.

Is love anything to do with this destiny we talk of so much? Is love part of the greater plan, did god create love? or was it some side effect to being human? is love our obstacle in life… the thing we must overcome to reach our destiny?

We love, we lose, and the wheels of the bus go round and round.

Why play a game you’re destined to lose, Georg would say that if you truly believe you can win then you will, Hans would tell me to change the rules. but I say, Why play?

My heart may be more beautiful with all the scars, and I suppose this makes you bigger men than I. But I’m tired, and I’m sad, and I’m alone, and I just can’t find reason to love anymore. I will never be complete.

As I have said before, I think of every sign of affection on the part of a woman as a preamble to an act of love, so love forget me, for just one moment, let me breathe for just a second. leave me alone and crush someone else because I just can’t take it anymore.

Bring on post 101, may 99 never come again.

Love, Life, Lies EverlastIng

Learning how to love, again.

G’s post is as clever as it is true. And personally, the timing is perfect. Not because I have wounds need filling nor because I do not know love, but simply because at this point I think I am learning about love again. Perhaps even learning how to love again.

I believe I speak the truth when I say that my heart is scarred, if we stick to G’s metaphors for love, in that I give to others what is given to me. At least. Or at the very least I hope I do. It is difficult to tell my own actions from my own dreams. But have I really understood what it meant to tear pieces off and fill the holes with pieces of strange blood? What does it really mean to love someone?

Would you die for the one you love? Would you kill for the one you love? Yes and no. I believe I would do anything to keep safe and protect from harm or injury, those whom I love. But I would much rather live for the one I love. Instead of killing, I would much rather create. Spend life together while seeds grow into flowers, hills into mountains and icebergs into glaciers. I would much rather watch the world go by as we silently weep the loss of old friends and family, inevitable as it is, than to die trying to prevent these things. If I have to, I would slaughter the world and die trying to see my loved again, but I would much rather live and give the entirety of my life and all that I am just for one more second.

I would kill for love. But I will live for my loved.

for Signhild. I love you.

One hundred…

I was thinking a lot about what to write for this special post. 100 posts means something I guess and I am sure we will all see post 200 at some point. While we are waiting to reach this I am sure we will continue to discuss things that move us and that shape our life. We will see happiness and sorrow, we will find hope and sometimes we will fight hopelessness. But one thing is for sure, we won’t escape this rollercoaster which is our life. So yesterday someone sent me a really good story and I thought I post this here as my 100th post on the BLS blog… Here it goes:

One day a young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley.

A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart for it was perfect. There was not a mark or a flaw in it. Yes, they all agreed it truly was the most beautiful heart they had ever seen. The young man was very proud and boasted more loudly about his beautiful heart.

Suddenly, an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said, “Why your heart is not nearly as beautiful as mine.” The crowd and the young man looked at the old man’s heart. It was beating strongly, but full of scars, it had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in, but they didn’t fit quite right and there were several jagged edges. In fact, in some places there were deep gouges where whole pieces were missing.

The people stared ­ “How can he say his heart is more beautiful?” they thought.

The young man looked at the old man’s heart and saw its state and laughed. “You must be joking,” he said. “Compare your heart with mine, mine is perfect and yours is a mess of scars and tears.”

“Yes,” said the old man, “Yours is perfect looking but I would never trade with you. You see, every scar represents a person to whom I have given my love – I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them, and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart, but because the pieces aren’t exact, I have some rough edges, which I cherish, because they remind me of the love we shared.”

“Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away, and the other person hasn’t returned a piece of his heart to me. These are the empty gouges – giving love is taking a chance. Although these gouges are painful, they stay open, reminding me of the love I have for these people too, and I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting. So now do you see what true beauty is?”

The young man stood silently with tears running down his cheeks.

He walked up to the old man, reached into his perfect young and beautiful heart, and ripped a piece out. He offered it to the old man with trembling hands. The old man took his offering, placed it in his heart and then took a piece from his old scarred heart and placed it in the wound in the young man’s heart. It fit, but not perfectly, as there were some jagged edges.

The young man looked at his heart, not perfect anymore but more beautiful than ever, since love from the old man’s heart flowed into his.

They embraced and walked away side by side.

… having said enough…

He did it again!

Just as you were getting used to the updated WordPress layout of the admin panel, Hans goes abouts and updates it again. We are now running version 2.7.1 which is the latest official release. This update provides the biggest change of the admin panel in WP history as well as major improvements to the core files. Improved support for additional widgets, plugins and the ability to interface out to other platforms is one of the key features. Improved search engine optimization as well as improved in-site searching are also things that might come in handy.

From now on, there are two features I would like everyone to take notice of and please use! (This is not mandatory, but as our DB grows, will make the blog easier to search as well easier to promote). Whenever you write a post, look to your right, just above the categories list. There you will see a frame with the headline “Tags”. It would be cool if we all could start using this feature. Basically, just type in a few keywords that match what you are writing about for that particular post, or click on the link that says “choose from the most popular tags” to select tags used before.

The other thing is that at the very bottom of all the options for each post (bottom of middle column) there is something called “All in One SEO Pack” which is pretty self explanatory, but again, I would be most happy if you could take the time to fill out. At least a few simple keywords. Nothing fancy is needed.

Anyhow, that was todays tech talk. How are you guys? Haven’t read or heard from you in a while now. Hope you are doing well with whatever you are up to at the moment. Signhild and me are off to Liverpool on Wednesday and we will stay there until Sunday the 1st. I am looking forward to it!

again, tHe Programmer.

Running out of Thyme

As my favourite playwright (Peter Parnell) wrote for my favourite Physicist (Richard Feynman) “these are the things that we do not know, will we ever know them? maybe? but not knowing is much more interesting?”

Ahh how dull life would be if our destiny was infront of us, it would be like riding a train rather than a roller coaster, convenient, efficient, and utterly uneventful (actually I quite like trains but lets ignore that in this analogy). On a roller coaster you don’t know what the next turn holds for you, is this the big drop, it could get worse, and every spiral terrifies you and yet makes you crave the next. nobody sits on a rollercoaster hoping that it would just go slowly and straight for a while, they either crave the next corkscrew or pray for the end. Life is so, for only through great adversity can greatness be achieved.

“It takes a night to bring the dawn, and it takes a day to make you yawn, it takes some old to make you young, and it takes some cold to crave to sun, it takes the one to have the other”. Just a quote from a great song but quite apt, without having our destinies concealed from us, without having to work for them we would never appreciate them when we finally achieve them.

Now… time… those unforgiving perpetual tides crashing on the shores of now and forcing it into… now, and us along with it. If given the choice, would we stop time at will… I know I would, in fact, I know that given the option I would stop time and go back again and again to repair the mistakes of the past. But then in hindsight (which I wouldn’t have) that wouldn’t be very productive now would it? Time is what gives us strength, we grow (as Hans very aptly put it) over time.

With out it I would still be a child trying to figure out what to say to my mother to get the day off of school, which would be nice, but nice is all it would be. But we don’t spend eternity focussing on the trivial things, we live and we die and the wheels on the bus go round and round, and only through that violent truth can we appreciate our existance.

I seem to have gone on a tangEnt agaIn

and we grow…

Come take my hand and I shall guide you. Come take my hand and I will take you on a journey. Through cities and landscapes. Through the thickest jungle and the greatest sea. From the highest peaks to the deepest valleys. Come take my hand and I shall lead the way. Follow me and you will never be lost.

But follow me and you will never be lost. And never to be lost is never to grow. To stand alone, supported by others, essentially, but yet alone, that is how we grow. Perhaps not always. But some times, alone is what we need to be. And then we grow. We learn about ourselves, about life and about others. We learn to see that we are not lost at all, and not alone. We never were. But we had to think so, so that when we realised it was not true, we truly understood it.

And that is how we grow. We learn to tell sand from water, snow from fire and sorrow from happiness. We learn to tell our heart from our mind. Feelings from thoughts and hopes from beliefs. We grow on ourselves and on the world. We stand alone, we learn to see in the dark so that the light may shine even stronger. We learn to whisper so that we may speak even louder. We thread lightly so that the full force will have an even greater impact. We stand alone. Until we no longer need to. We stand alone until all the things are done and we are never alone again. Come take my hand and walk with me. Let us do what we were supposed to do.

And we were never alone. Come take my hand and climb on my shoulders. And together. We can do anything.

perHaPs it is time.

Posted in hp