…of men and mice…

I guess.

wow… that, was, my friend, true wisdom. Although some part of me wants to say; I DISAGREE, the other part is sad to realise I have always known, yet never said nor wanted to believe, that you are absolutely right.

I want to fight what you have said with evert fiber in my body, to prove you wrong and to say that you are caving in. This is the one thing that you would never have me admit, for it is the basis of everything I am. My belief that we are the ones that will make it, that in the end, we were always right, that all the things we have said and done would somehow be justified by our eventual success. I guess this is my life’s great card house, it have always been, and I’m afraid it will always be. I believe that few people can understand the craving for success that I posess, which is almost narcisistic. Our joke that I’m always right and don’t loose is truly a sad joke, for in reality it is’nt a joke, it’s a nescesity. I have to be right. I have to win. I have to make it. This is what drives me. I will never settle for second, yet I know I can never be first. I will never settle for compromise, yet perfect is impossible. Know it as I do, I should accept reality.

But you are not and I do not, for as you so gently put it, there are many more things to life than work. Years ago, we had what I have later realised was a defining moment of my life, a conversation about choices. As always, I boldly, but sadly, exclaimed my choice to the world. Inside, I was in chaos at the moment, fighting every attempt at pulling me back to earth, to puncture my bubble. Some time later, when the chaos erupted and a great many hours was spent contemplating this very conversation, I realised the trick was making sure I never have to make the choice – which is, obviously; just making a new bubble around myself instead of puncturing the old one. The choice will be made, and it will be the right one. What sacrifices I must make in addition will surely send me down the hill.

Your post put a knot in my stomach today, which means it’s more true than anything I’ve ever written. But I’m not ready to admit it yet. Not yet. And I’m also sure that you will be the ones to bring me down eventually, for you are the only people with the knowledge to do it.

I know we will reach the top. But before we do, we must know where the bottom is. First one down will be first one back up I guess. I just hope you’ll take me with you. I know you will. I would.

I guess.

Your words lately have made me sad, for you touch something in the core of what I believe we are. Yet at the same time I am happy, because you finally said what I have always known. Many posts ago, I made a list, now, I think it is time for a new one.

E, your potential is unlimited and your friends are endless, or so it would seem – just remember they are there
H, your talent is infinite, and I hope you understand this one day – as it would be a great shame if you never do
M, of all of us, I believe you are the one truly at peace with who you are – unless you are like me, and the bubble will burst one day?
G, you are the leading man my friend, the wisest and best I know – you I would trust with everything I have

The list grows shorter. The truth grows more painful.
Still, we are together somehow, comforting as it is to know.

Every day brings us closer to the defining moments of everything else. Great things will come, we just have to be there when they do.

the trutH can be Painful

… and all that is …

I am aware that there is a fake lighting desk in between this post and the ones before. But this one here needed time, time for me to think about what I want to say.

We leave things behind all the time. Every second we leave something behind. And then we look back and we judge what we see. There are those moments when we feel that what we have done was not good. There are moments, when we cannot figure out, why and above all, how we managed to achieve what we did. It feels that all the energy and passion that is needed to go on has been lost in this last project. It feels empty, dry and cold. The sparkle in our eyes has died and and flame of passion is gone.

A while ago we chose to walk into this direction, our profession. We believed that this would be our path and our destiny. We believed we would at some point be great, we reached out for the stars and were very certain that amongst all the people that have the same goal, we would be the ones to easily reach whatever we were longing for. We discarded other people, we looked down on them. We were arrogant and stubborn, didn’t look left and right, ignored others that felt different and always believed in us to be better.

Well, we are not. We flew high and our expectations were even higher. And so we fell. Farther than we could handle. Realised that it is a fight. But not only a fight with the circumstances but more and above all a fight with ourselves. To get up everyday and be small is a challenge. And you have to take it on in order to grow. Challenge means that things are difficult. Unknown. Unexpected.

Currently I am sitting in Beijing. Was lighting designer on three jobs. All of them doable and easy. Well, none of them was. Suddenly responsible for the whole thing. At the other end of the world and no way you could get out. So I had to get through. There were moments when I felt like I wanna hide somewhere and wait till it is all over. You know, this has really been an easy job – before I got here. But what changed were the demands and expectations. Not mine, but the ones of everyone else. This was a corporate production where every detail was important. I could blame equipment, bad communication in advance and difficult communication here, different working attitude or lifestyle…

It would still be unfair. Yes, all of that happened, but it was me being unsure. Shortly before I came here I realised what I am up to in my new job. I am still doing the same stuff than before, but the projects are so much bigger, the responsibility suddenly much greater but the experience is not. I learnt that I know nothing. All I have done so far has been a lot of luck and no knowledge at all. I also built my own little house of cards over the past years. I was still arrogant and ignorant. And thought the world is mine.

You know, we always leave things behind. Basically we leave everything behind all the time. But something we always carry with us: Ourselves. Eyal, we are all only us. We wanted to believe we can be more, but that is not right. It has to be us that needs to become more. We have to grow and this changes us. In order to grow, we have to face it: There is so much we don’t know. There is so much more to be learnt along the way. And there is so much more to life than just a career.

Maybe it is because my passion for it all is also still buried. But I always said that and I always believed in it: There are other things than lighting, directing or basically work. It helps to step back and realise that there are so many things that enrich our lives every time. Think about it! Isn’t it great to know that there is someone who really loves us? Isn’t it a great thing that there are friends out there who make us happy? Isn’t it great that we have the chance to experience a new day? You see, it is simple…

Kathy was right when she suggested that we are too narrow minded. Too focused. We were the closed up group that nobody could get into. Sheena once said that. And we excluded people, because they chose a different way than we would have done. Maybe we disagree with how some people make their decisions, but hey, it is not up to us to judge that. People are different and that makes the variety of this world.

I know, I have done a huge round now, but coming back, I think it is important to realise what Eyal found out: Yes, we are only the person we are. But we are able to grow. And nothing says we can’t decide to grow into a different direction, have different blossoms over our lifetime. The passion might come back, but the important thing is, that if it doesn’t, it’s not bad either. There are other things to life. And looking at those things will help.

Maybe this all makes no sense at all. But I learnt so much here in China, just by talking to people from this country.

The person we are is growing. Still.